A Journal Entry That Has No Business Being Published

I have this habit of writing every day for an hour. I’ve made it over 400 days as of this post being published. Somedays the hour is great and I pump out a few hours of work. Other days I have no motivation to write. On days where I have no desire to touch the keyboard I will write a ranting Journal Entry to myself. Below is one of those entries. I’ve edited it for clarity, and readability. I did my best to not edit the content, and I definitely didn’t cut out any of the curse words. So if you have sensitive ears, consider yourself warned. I hope you enjoy it.

July 27th 2017, Down Day and a Motivation Talk

I DON’T know what to write. Today and yesterday were awful. I don’t know why. Maybe I need someone in my life to help me professionally. Not like a therapist but like a coach or mentor. Just shoot me in the skull is all I can think right now. I just want to be watching It’s Always Sunny right now because it’s the easy thing to do. Maybe I will watch it after I write this. I don’t know why I sit here and write every day. Or why I even avoid getting a new job.

I understand why I quit my last job, and my life has been better since I walked out. But right now I’m dying, or at least I feel like I am. I’m just unmotivated to do anything. And I know I’m not supposed to rely on motivation and 80% of the time I don’t. I’m usually really good about following my productivity planner and focusing on doing the most critical task. But for some reason yesterday and today have been a drag. Which is really shitty because I felt like Monday started off strong. I even did my miracle morning this morning and everything.

Why I’m losing? I don’t want to be losing these days, but I feel like I have so much that I’m responsible for, and when I’m overwhelmed I’m never productive or in a good state. But I want to put out the most things I can, be the best I can be. I want to push myself to be better. But I don’t do that. Why not?

WHY NOT?!?!?

Is it because it’s easier to watch It’s Always Sunny? No, I don’t think so because most days I can get my work done without being immediately tempted by the television. Am I sick? Am I dying? Ha, we’re all dying.

Am I scared to put my work out into the world? No, I’m more scared to keep it to myself!

I’m bothered that I set the same goals for myself week after week, and I rarely hit them if they are out of my control. Sure I can read and write my target amount. I can’t get people to give me money or hire me or reply to my emails. When other people become involved I suck.

Are there metrics for others that I can use to measure? Like put out more phone calls (I can control this) instead of getting X# of people to pay me money (Uncontrollable)

Where My Opposing Minds Start Arguing

Yeah, it could be that the phone calls are what scares me. Or at least the bit I don’t have a system for. Then spend a week building a system. I like this. But which week, or day or hour?

Don’t bother me with the details just tell me when it’s done.

Fuck you

I push things off until the last possible second. Why?

Because that’s when you feel comfortable sitting down to do it.

Soooo why do I wait? I would be far more effective if I didn’t wait.

I don’t know, no one knows!

Could I give up now?

Sure, will you?

No

Why not?

Because it’s not worth it. It’s too easy to continue my streak, especially compared to what it would take to build it back up. There’s an excellent example of using every day to its fullest. I’ve sat down to write for almost 250 days. Those are 250 days that I used to the best of my ability to write something. And look at what I’ve gotten out of them. A whole hell of a lot. Almost two books, it will be two books by the time the year is over. Hopefully it will be a few short stories too.

Then what about client work? Is there a streak you can build there?

Sure when I’m more motivated.

Why do you depend on motivation, Dumb ass?

Because right now I’m in a bad place and if I push myself to do anything challenging then I will be overwhelmed and won’t get any better.

So when are you going to do it?

Tuesday.

Why Tuesday?

Idk it was the first day that came to mind.

Fuckin’ Tuesday.

Shoot me.

Still?

Nah, but it just feels like something useful to say. Like dropping the F-bomb.

That’s fucked up.

I know.

Should someone be worried about you?

No, it’s not worth the effort. Besides, I’ll get better

When?

Next week, next month, next year.

What would it take to make you better?

Nothing and everything. Being overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.

Half a million dollars.

Yeah, that should do it.

That’s doable

I’m cash flow negative right now!

Yep, but you can fix that anytime. Your real issue is emotional, or psychological.

I’m doing better.

Yeah, you are.

I’m dying

We’re all dying

No, but really…

Shut up

Can I…

No, whatever it is no! I’m talking now. And I don’t have anything to say, but it’s better than hearing your whiny ass.

I…

The Motivated Brain Steals the Mike

Nope shut the fuck up! I’ve got ten more minutes of writing, and I’m going to try and do something with them maybe it will be garbage, but I want to do the talking and the typing for now. I want to put out something that will motivate you to be better, do better when I’m not around. I want to show you how to fight to become the person you want to be. To heal yourself and push yourself to get out of bed in the morning and create good art. To create work that pays you and that you’re proud of. Even if no one ever wants to buy it you should be confident in what you’re doing. And I know 90% of the time you are. You just have some rough patches and that’s fine. It happens to everyone.

Hell take the rest of the day off. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. I’m giving you the permission to do it. I encourage it. But tomorrow I want you to hit the ground running. Do something for others, and do something for yourself. You have freelance work waiting for you from a client. There is also work from friends who would pay you. You have money to be made, it’s on the table. You just need to pick it up. There’s more out there that you can earn

Yeah, it will take some work. Sure it will be scary but you will learn it and you will know how to do it forever. Once you try it. So go out and work, you should be making mistakes and failing at contacting clients. But your issue is you don’t have clients, well then go forward and fail at finding them. You can do this!

You said it yourself last night. You’re a decent writer, hell you might even be a good one. With thirty more years of practice through teaching, publishing, and writing you might actually be able to make something memorable.

Sure you have shit days, this isn’t the first, and it wont be the last but you’re getting better. In all aspects of life you’re improving. Do you remember where you were a year ago? You were in your room on Reddit, or in Lubbock on Reddit or doing something stupid that involved Reddit.

You weren’t worried about how to start a new publishing empire or even how to make money from fiction. All you were worried about was if anyone would like the stories you wrote. Honestly, you doubted you could be a writer because you didn’t believe in yourself.

Now you have that, now you’re a writer, you wrote something, and it was decent. It will get better… this all will get better.

Take the day off, call it a win and cool down. Watch something you enjoy. Hell read something if you feel like it. There’s a dozen ways to celebrate how far you’ve come.

I permit you to do all of them. Why? Because I know that you will show up tomorrow pumped to work and make it ten thousand more steps. That’s how far you’ve come so far. You know that right? You were no where near where you are now last year. And next year you will be so far ahead of yourself that you will read this and won’t be able to imagine it.

You can do this. So go out and do it. Because you’re the only one who can go out and do it. Take the day off but come back tomorrow stronger. Because I can’t afford to have you be weak again this week.

Maybe next month you can have another fall but right now I need you sharp.

Push yourself to go further and do more. Believe in yourself because everyone else wants to believe in you. They really do, and most of them do. They just don’t say it because you don’t give them the room to talk. Go and push yourself to be awesome! You’re finding your passion. You know your dreams and dream job. You just need to go out, push yourself, and discover where you want to be. People want you to succeed. You want yourself to succeed. SO move it. Go on and do it. Push on and don’t give a shit.

YOU GOT THIS.

Make a plan, move forward, remember to look back at your accomplishments.

Where I am Now

This was written on July 27th 2017. About six months ago. I was working on my second rough draft for a novel and I finished it. I even re-read it and will probably publish it eventually. Since then I wrote another, novella. It’s title will be something like: The Needle of Loss, Todd’s Story. This week I put the final touches on it and am now working to put it in the hands of an editor. I hope to self-publish it before the end of March 2018. This is a huge win for me!

The Motivated Brain said “celebrate how far you’ve come.” This Friday I want to take some time to do that. I want to encourage you to do it too reader! Look at where you were a year ago, 5 years ago, or 10 years ago. You’ve done so much!

Whether you’re my family, friends, or someone who found me through the magic of the internet, I appreciate everyone who reads this blog, thanks for reading this. Each of you have helped me come so far in your own way!

Photo Credit: Tatertot707, Lugh-an-laochra, Storymypic.com

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